Morning Humor

[Boats]

Oh well it should have said telephone directory. Blew it as usual I have should waited until woke up.

More chinn's than a Chinese telephone directory. Oh well sorry about that.

[b3196]

Boats
Your wife didn't write that....Mine did.
Bob K

[Phantomblooper]

A little boy and a little girl, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices and squeals with laughter.

"How'd you do that," she asked

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion,
the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 10 feet, landing up against a tree.

He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle. Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims.

"Just what I thought, dual exhaust!

[Phantomblooper]

Seven-year-old little Johnny, like other boys his age, are rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered just what it was all about. One day he asked his mother, and she became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains later that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did this, and the next morning he gave this account of what happened to his mother at the breakfast table:

Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so, too, because he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her heart, just like the doctor does. Except he's not as good as the doctor 'cause he had an awful hard time finding it and kept feeling all over for it.

He started getting sick, too, 'cause pretty soon both of them started panting like Rover and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold 'cause he put it under her skirt to warm it up. About this time, Sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because Sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, Sis got real brave and tried to kill the eel by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go...I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Oops, sorry, Mom. I know I'm not supposed to say that word. Sis started groaning and sqealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, that old eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats...they have 9 lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel for real this time. I know it was really dead 'cause I saw Sis' boyfriend peel off its skin and flush it down the toilet.

DADDY, DADDY, COME QUICK!!! MOM FELL OUT OF THE CHAIR, AND SHE'S NOT MOVING!!!"

_______________________

[Phantomblooper]

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.

"What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."


__________________

[Phantomblooper]

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy
test.

The test is positive.

Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did
this to you?

I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the
father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.


However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him,
like a gentleman,


"You'll do her again."

__________________________

[Phantomblooper]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.

One day, the bunny was hopping along through the forest, and the snake was slithering along through the forest, when all of a sudden the bunny tripped over the snake, and fell down. This of course knocked the snake about quite a bit!

"Oh! My!" said the bunny, "I'm terriably sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you! I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going! In fact, I don't even know what I am!"

"Its quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could knida slither over you and figure out what you are! So at least you'll have that going for you!"

"Oh! That would be wonderful!" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears: your noise twicthes: and you have a soft cotony tail! I'd say that makes you a bunny!"

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement! The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you helped me!"

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked:

"Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tonge, no backbone, and no balls! I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibily in upper management!"


__________________

[Phantomblooper]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.


When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him
in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in movie.


Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says
"Wha...aaat?"


"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces
that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front
door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

__________________________

[Phantomblooper]

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her
private parts.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock,
and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very
happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for
a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!
_________________________

[Phantomblooper]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like
hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,
and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked
up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license,
boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting
license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the
second duck, sniffed its butt, and said
"This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a
Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting
license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said this ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South
Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South
Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled
at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You
tell me, expert."

_____________________