Morning Humor

[Phantomblooper]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.



The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"


The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."


The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.


A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.


The bartender says "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"


The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."


The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.


The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.


He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.


The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"


The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."


The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"


The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

[Phantomblooper]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!

Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Phantomblooper]

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[Phantomblooper]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, ?Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk??


The farmer says, ?Some things you just can?t explain.?


?So what happened that is so horrible?? the man asked?


The farmer then decides to try an answer,

?Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.?


?That?s not so bad,what?s the big deal??


The farmer says, ?Some things you just can?t explain.?
?

So what happened?? the man asked again.


The farmer relenting, continued, ?I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.?


?Again??


The farmer says, ?Some things you just can?t explain.?


?So, what did you do then?? the man asked, intrigued.


?I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.?




?Wow, you must have been pretty upset!? but that?s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.?


The farmer says, ?Some things you just can?t explain.?


?So then what else did you do?? the man asked again.


?Well I didn?t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That?s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in??

[Boats]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as
naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration
by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the
generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin,
mydixadrupin, my dixarizin, my dixsadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it
will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new
meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned
stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount &
Do".

[revwardoc]

Good one, Boats!!! I once had a a Viagra get stuck in my throat...had a stiff neck for a week!

[darrels joy]

Who's On First for the Next Generation


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: Th! e guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is! leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Mi ddle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me! the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the ca! ll?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[darrels joy]

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!


Almost forgot "Whatever"...(it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!)

[Boats]

Joy,

I can relate to many of these terms my wife must have written the book or its imprinted at birth. Thanks for the refresher.

[Boats]

Heard one at the VFD in Dyer the other day. A group of people were sitting to my far left. Three were quite large guys and they were surrounding this blond who had more than one. Anyway they were ripping each other as friends do and someone mentioned something about ones facial features.

His reply was: I've got more chinn's than a Chinese dictionary and everyone broke up. I thought that was pretty good.