Morning Humor

[Phantomblooper]

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.



Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.



From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.



Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.



The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"



"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

[Phantomblooper]

There was a sheriff looking for a new deputy, and a Redneck went in to apply for the job. "OK," said the sheriff, "What is 1+1?" The redneck thought for a minute, and finally said, "11."The sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter T?" The redneck said, "That's easy, Today and Tomorrow." The sheriff said, "Now the last question, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The redneck thought really hard, and at last said, "I don't know." The sheriff smiled and said, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that." So the redneck went home and his wife asked him how it went.

The redneck replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"

[Phantomblooper]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Okay, we'd like to use this store as our
Bridal Registry.

[Phantomblooper]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[Phantomblooper]

A company was looking to hire some for an important position,so they interviewed dozen of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them,they decided to give them all the same question to answer within a twenty four hour period and the one with best answer would get the job.

The question was, "A man and woman were in bed ,nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the mans name?"

After the twenty four hours was up,the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one said, "My answer is their IS no answer." The second one said,"My answer is,that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one says,"I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names,it's either, WILLIE TURNER or WILLIE NAILER."...............HE GOT THE JOB!

[Jerry D]

Who's Your Daddy?

A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, TN.

One morning, they were eating breakfast at a little restaurant, hoping to

enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they

noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to

table, visiting with the guests.

The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, "I hope he doesn't

come over here." But sure enough, the man did come over to their table.

"Where are you folks from?" he asked in a friendly voice.

"Oklahoma," they answered.

"Great to have you here in Tennessee," the stranger said. "What do you

do for a living?"

"I teach at a seminary," he replied.

"Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I've got a

really great story for you." And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair

and sat down at the table with the couple. The professor groaned and

thought to himself, "Great... Just what I need... another preacher story!"

The man started, "See that mountain over there? (pointing out the

restaurant window). Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a

boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because

every place he went, he was always asked the same question, 'Hey boy,

Who's your daddy?' Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or

drug store, people would ask the same question!, 'Who's your daddy?'

He would hide at recess and lunchtime from other students. He would

avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad. When

he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would

always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, 'Who's

your daddy?'

But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast he got caught

and had to walk out with the crowd.

Just about the time he got to the Back door, the new preacher, not

knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him,

"Son, who's your daddy?" The whole church got deathly quiet. He could

feel every eye in the church looking at him. Now everyone would finally

know the answer to the question, 'Who's your daddy.'

This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him & using

discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to

that scared little boy...' Wait a minute!' he said. 'I know who you are. I
see

the family resemblance now. You are a child of God.'

With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, Boy, you've got a

great inheritance. Go and claim it.

With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out
the

door a changed person. He was never the same again. Whenever anybody

asked him, 'Who's your Daddy?' he'd just tell them, 'I'm a Child of God.'"

The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, "Isn't that a

great story?" The professor responded that it really was a great story!

As the man turned to leave, he said, "You know, if that new preacher

hadn't told me that I was one of God's children, I probably never would

have amounted to anything!" And he walked away.

The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress

over & asked her, "Do you know who that man was who just left that was

sitting at our table?"

The waitress grinned and said, "Of course. Everybody here knows him.

That's Ben Hooper. He's the former governor of Tennessee!"

Someone in your life today needs a reminder that they're one of God's

children!

[SuperScout]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed . So we're just waiting."

[Phantomblooper]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking aroundwith a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Phantomblooper]

Sven and Oly rent a boat to go fishing on a local lake. After hours of no results they finally start pulling them in.

Sven says to Oly "We got to mark this spot so ve can come back here annudder day".

Oly takes out a marking pen and makes a big X on the floor of the boat. "Dere, dat should do it" he replies.

Sven shakes his head in disagreement and asks, "How do ve know ve get the same boat next time".

[Phantomblooper]

It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers like us.
They include:


1. Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash: I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye: Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem: A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations: Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba: Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando: Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy: I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson: On the Throne Again

17. Leslie Gore: It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To