Morning Humor

[Phantomblooper]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear ring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,and is
is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Phantomblooper]

A young farm boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door. "Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Paw."

"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"

"He went with Maw and Paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Phantomblooper]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears, "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech.' At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech.' When I was eight you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy speech.' If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[Phantomblooper]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination, and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real...

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

[Phantomblooper]

A retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?? he ask.

The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me? as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[Phantomblooper]

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods understandingly, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way. Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation." "It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me like this, he's gonna s**t!"

[Phantomblooper]

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot, won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did for the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the
5th race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went! on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you! The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

[Phantomblooper]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually
she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her
while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!"
shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching
her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny
came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!"
shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you
stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted

[Phantomblooper]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained ...
"It's the pharmacist.
He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute .... listen to my side of the story."


"This morning the alarm failed to go off,
so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys.
In doing so I tore my suit and had to go upstairs and change.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

When I was about three blocks from the store,
I got a flat tire.

Being late, my usual parking place had been taken

and I had to drive around to find another one.

When I finally got to the store, there were a bunch of people
impatiently waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time ...
the dang phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels.



The phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,






and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
and believe me Mister, as God is my witness ...







All I Did Was Tell Her !!

[Phantomblooper]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand,certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary
genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a
dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going
to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that
the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food
and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine
and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you
anything, there's going to be a string attached.