My PTSD story

[Keith_Hixson]

Larry,

Friend you are in my prayers. I worked as a civilian Medic for seven years. I have never had depression but I occassionally get flash backs from some of the more gruesome calls. Knew I had enough when I didn't want to go on calls any more. I have to watch my attitude toward drunk and drugged drivers after pulling one too many limp bodies from a wreck. I have never fought depression but have worked with many who have. Stick in there my friend, God through Jesus Christ will see you through. Faith is a great thing: "When Darkness Seems to Hide His Face I trust in His unchanging Grace." "Amazing Grace how sweet the Sound."

God Bless,

Keith

[MORTARDUDE]

I am fighting Brother Insomnia tonite and thought I would give you an update on my PCT Clinic ( PTSD ) visit on 2/13/04. There were about 10 veterans in the room, including me. At 9:00 AM the staff psychiatrist and a social worker came in and introduced themselves ( Note : This appt. was made last October !! )...They each took one veteran to their offices. I was the 6th one called. There were veterans there from the 9th and 4th ID and the 1st Cav among others....When my time came the psychiatrist invited my wife in as well. He asked me about my tour and I related some of the dreams and flashbacks I had been having and my wife told him about losing work because of depression. It lasted maybe 15 mins. He said I needed to make an appt. to come back and it would take about an hour. Believe it or not, the office manager is the mother of my son's best man at his wedding ! Small world for sure.....The doctor said that the first appt. was sort of a screening process....He mentioned that I may have to pay for the visit...I then found out that because of our household income that I shouldn't even have even gotten an appt. !! This was per the Means Testing Unit...A week later I went to the Shelby County Veterans Affairs office and filed a claim for PTSD. I waited
because that is what the counselor at the Vet Center told me to do. My next appt. is April 30th. Hopefully by then I will have heard something from the VA about my original claim....Any idea what kind of time frames I am looking at ? If I am offered the 6 week in-hospital treatment in Little Rock or New Orleans I will take it..

Once again thanks to all of you for your insight, parayers and support.

Larry

[bandito]

Larry,
From one good old Tennessee boy to another hang in there-just like the song you posted by The Man in Black--DRIVE ON-
Just remember it was WAR.

[grasshopper]

Larry:

Hoping everything is progressing and that you are doing ok!

[exlrrp]

Originally posted by MORTARDUDE All :

This is a big step for me. You are all like the big brothers and sisters I never had. Please remember me in your prayers.

Thanks,

Larry

Larry

I think standing up and taking responsiblity for things we did is a really necessary step to start healing.
Its really scary to look at my stuff, I sure know that. I'd lots rather pick apart other peoples stuff, its less painful. But its really the only stuff I got to look at. And the only stuff I can do anything about.
In AA there's a prayer:
God, grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer gets talked about a lot, Ive heard about every aspect of it discussed. Basically what it says is that there's a heap of things we cant do nothing about. So we don't do nothing about them. (yer talking to someone who has to look at things simply--I can fck up a steel ball with a rubber hammer) We figure out what we can do and then do that.
Sounds easy but it takes some descernement to figure out what we have power over and what we don't. Its hard to accept that we have actually no power over people places and things
History is something we can do nothing to change, the only thing we can actually change is ourselves in the present.
Standing up and telling the truth is the first step. asking God to help us heal is another good one. I mean it COULD happen but I only did it when I was desperate enough.
Larry, you didn't ask me for advice but youre my friend I'll give it anyway: Don't attach yourself to the results--its in Gods hands. Just clean house and tell the truth.
Anything I can ever do for you, you got it pal

James Worth

[exlrrp]

Originally posted by MORTARDUDE kind of time frames I am looking at ? If I am offered the 6 week in-hospital treatment in Little Rock or New Orleans I will take it..

Once again thanks to all of you for your insight, parayers and support.

Larry

Larry
I hope your not in a rush. It took me about 2.5 years to finish my claim. Part of this was that they said they mailed me appointments that I never got, although i got other mail from them at that address--They conpletely rejected my claim at first because I didn't respond. I had to make them reconsider. My VA counselor wrote a letter to his boss, he felt they were jerking me around, then there was an investigation from the top. then things started happening.
The first notices I got of this was from the DAV which was supposed to be my advocate. Get yourself an advocate that you are on a name basis with. The DAV was worse than useless, I thought, they actually made things worse. . Try one of these county veteran reps like billr
The process can be infuriating, Lar, but nil carborundum illegitimos (don't let the bastards get you down) You know you'll win in the end
Good Luck

James

[White Oak]

Larry,
I can't give you any answers but anytime you want to just talk with somebody who has been there,pick up the phone,doesn't matter when,white oak

will PM you my phone number.

[MORTARDUDE]

Danny :

Thanks. I will call you this weekend and look forward to meeting you in April !

James :

Everything seems to be going OK with my claim. My next appt. at the Vet Center is 3/16 and I will get the paperwork for the New Orleans treatment then. My next appt. at the PCT unit is 4/30. You are correct about DAV. They have an office at the VA hospital, and they are hardly ever there and never answer the phone or return messages or answer E-mail. I went to the Shelby Co. veterans affairs office in downtown Memphis ( had to pay $ 5 to park ..ouch !! ) and they went over my application with me, made some corrections and filed it for me. The biggest step is motivating oneself to admit that you need help and doing it. Anyone who is afflicted with serious depression, as I have been and still am, has enough trouble getting out of the bed in the morning. Trying to do something as serious as this takes a lot of will power. If anyone here knows someone who needs to go to the VA for help, don't give up on them...I tell my sons that the only thing you have control over completely is between your ears !!!!

Larry

[BLUEHAWK]

From the way all this is reading Larry I do hope they'll let you have that time for treatment...at one of the centers I mean...

I am sure it would make all the difference, especially now that you are counting down work days , to just be able to give this all your focus and attention, & sort it through...

In '93 I had gotten to a real bad place with depression, a whole lot worse than I was even aware of frankly. So, good friends had me see a shrink. Saw him for about 30 minutes, he diagnosed "Chronic Depression", and sent me home with a Zoloft prescription. Saw him one more time, and about the most direct comment he had dealt with the fact that I was wearing an Indian ribbon shirt... guess he'd never seen one.

But, because I took the Zoloft for only 30 days (which DID help give my mind a breather, by the way), I never did deal with the inside of myself directly.

Fast Forward to 2001, in desperation I sought out AA, got some tools for living through my thick skull (FINALLY, idiot that I am!). In AA they call it God's Will, not mine. Dunno about that, but being with a team surely does make a difference... that I know for sure.

However, AA had the effect (in my little case) of being pretty much like an extended stay in treatment... went to meetings EVERY day for two years, got to know some people very well and closely in the same or a similar boat (A LOT of them vets, too!)... and the depression left me almost immediately, like within the first week... once I realized what steps to take to both understand and DO something.

Of course, my solution to depression (like many people's) was to try and improve my personal morale by pouring excessive amounts of adult beverages into my liver... not a good idea.

I'm not suggesting your situation is like mine at all, PTSD is a whole special area of life from what little I know about it... but the depression part might have a bearing... for what its worth.

Peace and prayers... it WILL get better

[MORTARDUDE]

Mike :

Thanks for telling your story. Being able to talk about things in a public forum is healing in and of itself. During the past 10 years or so, as I have sought help for depression, I have been in contact with many friends, family members, co-workers, and others who are curious about my illness, treatments, and my advice on the situation. I tell
them first off, I am NOT an expert only a "victim", so to speak. Depression is a disease just like diabetes, gout, heart disease or any other ailment. MRIs ( brain scans ) confirm this. I then relate my experiences with the mental-health-circus...multiple psychiatrists, therapists, medications, and diagnoses...One of the most important things is to look at your genetics. Depression runs in my father's family and my wife's mother's family. My oldest son has gotten it from both sides. This does NOT excuse any behavior, but gives a person an idea of what you are pre-disposed to. It also will help with the guilt issue that some folks try to lay on you..like "pull yourself together", "it is all in your head", "get up and do something", "you are weak", and all the rest of the BS that people can say...drug and alcohol abuse are ways that some folks self-treat of depression. I thankfully have not went that far. Feeling like shit was bad enough. I usually do not have the energy to do anything else anyway. I urge anyone who is depressed or knows someone that is, to do everything you can to get them to seek professional help, and keep going back. Depression is a lifetime gig. Whenever a patient starts feeling better, that is usually when the medication and doctor visits stop and things go south again. Just IMHO.

Larry