Really high strung tonight...

[SEATJERKER]

...had a event tonight that has me, and prob a lot of others a lot wired tonight, and thought since I won't be sleeping for a while....
...As a lot of you know, I have PTSD, and I don't like being in places where large amounts of people are gathered that I don't personaly know, but my daughter had her end of year concert tonight , and my appearence was manditory in a sense...
...conditions were all wrong as they scheduled a track meet his afternoon, and with the weather being somewhat hot, and muggy, and having the year end concert tonight...
... the chous had 8 songs, and then the band was next, then the orchestra, and all of a sudden, between the 5-6 song kids start dropping, and fainting one after another until there were, shit I don't know 11-12 already down out of 200 or so,...
... the first few you "expected" sometimes at such events, but by now there calling for any, and all doctors, or nurses in the stands to come forward... I'm no Dtr./Rn. but I figured I could lend a hand lifting them, and moving them to fresh air, the first one was my daughters best friend, and when I realized it was her, I had all I could do to control my emotions, because I knew she wasn't having heat stroke, she was having a seziure/elp?...
...now their is a panic of sorts, and now their calling 911, and were just carrying these kids out side, I carried three out...
... the last kid I carried out was the one that I dragged out from under the guy that was shot along with her mother many years ago in a panic situation... it just all comes flooding back, and there isn't any way to turn off the switch...
... 5 ambulances, with numerous support ems were there in minutes, but minutes to me are years in situations as such...
... I hate what PTSD has done to me, I try to laugh things off as to hide my demise, but it just overcomes me to the point of rage, or complete helplessness after the fact, or instinces...
... everything worked out for the most part for all involved tonight, except me, I'm the one here with my BP around 2000 over whatever, tears just running down my cheeks....
... just don't need it...
...
...

[sfc_darrel]

You did a great job. You held it together in what you knew was going to be a hard situation and kept it together when things went bad.
Breathe.
With much love and understanding,
Joy

[SEATJERKER]

...that as long as I don't cuss too bad, or personaly slam any one, I can get things off my back freely, knowing it's D-Day does hold not too fond memories for my self also,... being one of the most highly recognized days for service members, and veterans...
...It's the day that "they" as in the powers that be 22 years ago dismissed me from the military...6-6-80 with a wrongful determination of evaluation of psyco status after disarming a man that shot another in Natchitoches La at a street festival...
... have been high strung with going to the concert, and yesterday was a C+P exam again after 2 botched surgeries, and today with the holiday, and "my aniversary of shame"...
...It has taken a long time for the wheels of justice to start turning my way, and it's about 1/2 way there, I try not to "self loath as you call it", but I can't change what happened to me, I try to live with it as best as poss, but these days roll around every year...
... you've all been very supportive over the course of time here, and back channel one, and I know I'm the Jr/very upper senior member of you people here, but I still live in "that" world all on my own not by my choice...
...at least i'm getting it out now trying to be positive...

[Arrow]

C those of us with PTSD know exactly where you were at last night. I go there many times a day to a lesser degree. And I am sure that many others do. There "ain't" nothin' to do but just what you did. Act, then react, get it off your chest and keep movin'. Most folks I have observed by the statements they have made that don't live with PTSD really don't understand how events can trigger the chemical response of our brains. The adrenalin rush and the memories. That is why they think we should get over it. We will have better days than others. And for those days we can be thankful. And as for me I can even thank God for the bad days because if I had never gone there I would never understand what you just wrote. But I do and I want to say C it takes courage to tell us. I'm proud of you for gettin' up and movin brother. Most folks in a crowd just can't react. Your still the man you were oh so many years ago. You got the right stuff bro just like a whole bunch of us have in our own way. God Bless you and remember>>>>>>>>

[SEATJERKER]

...I know my emotions go up, and down more then an elevator over different things throughout the days, and nights, some might say that I have too much time on my hands, but This is where I'm at...
It ties into two catagories, one being the torn facia around the muscles in my arm which they operated on less then 3 weeks, (Nov 79,) before the shooting, 12-01-79...did what I had to do without thinking of my arm at the time, torn out what they fixed...
...got the boot in 6-6-80, after being in ?"shock"? for six months
...after 10 years, couldn't stand the pain or weekness in 1990, and fianally went back to the Va., they said it's torn again, went in again, and fixed again, tore out again in 93, developing pain in the wrists in which ?ganglia's" were drained twice, The Doctor actually complemented me saying he'd never seen ?ganglia's like that in the wrists, because they ?only develop after exerting immense amounts of force...(guess that's what you get when you hold a guy down for three to four minutes with a 357)...
...the arm(my left) now has a ? lateral tear? across the inner forearm, and what bothers me the most is picking up my son who weighs 43 lbs, just a solid kid, but I shouldn't have to be in pain to pick him up...
...now their saying I might have carpel tunnel?, I don't know, all I know is that it hurts everyday...
...second is the head which we won't go into anymore, I know we all have our private little hell...
...I can deal with one at a time, but when they gang up on me, I either fight, or fight, don't know which to do first....
...just venting........, thanks again for listening...

[DMZ-LT]

What sis said Curtis, you have come a long way from terror, grasshopper. Your doing the right thing - YOU jumped on the guy to protect others - YOU jumped out of the stands to help the injured. I am proud of what you did - terror did not stop you , you acted and helped others. A sudden loud noise can throw me back 31 years and fill my soul with terror as I roll under a car in a second. I can look at my daughter having fun and start crying cause I know how lucky I am to even be alive when a lot of my brothers died.I can laugh at myself when I realize I am about to throw a chair through the VA Hospital window. Keep talking to the people here - you are not alone As a platoon leader in combat, everyone looks to you for guidance and 1/2 the time I had no idea either what the &*@ was going on all i could do was deal with the immediate situation and try to keep everyone movin - that's all we can do. Your a good man with a good heart Curtis ................. now keep movin brother !

[SEATJERKER]

...fortunite for me, I have had all you people out there for the last, almost three years,..., don't know where I would be without all of you,...
...might not be here,... don't like to admit were your thoughts have been, but...
... you helped me hold on to a belief that their were still people out there that really care,... especially miss "Bits" as he was the one who helped me the most in this cyber world we live in here...
...I guess it took me a while to realize how bad I was, and I been movin all this time,... just not in the right directions...
... 18 years hiding under a sense of guilt, and shame only to fianally realize that their is something really wrong with having continuious nightmares, and flashbacks...
...One damn night of being alone, left to being one life time alone by the ones I was serving with...
...It's taken me from year 19, 20, 21, almost what 22 years now to 1/2 way clear my name after the shooting, The Va. has me service connected for PTSD, and the arm, (0% for hearing after that "wee acustic truama at close range"), but the paperwork hasn't made it through the Air Farce yet "to be put in my ""offical records??""...
...question... being that I signed a "contract" when I enlisted for four years, and the booted me unjustly after three, do they owe me a year contract back to 80/81 with intrest,???? watch me while I take a big gulp of air..............
...Yea PTSD just plain sucks, there is no way to judge another's pain as it is so indivualized to each, and only each one who has experienced their own truama...
...I'm movin', I'm movin', shut your yap, I'm movin.......

[RNwriter]

Although I do not have PTSD I am a nurse who has dealt with pain almost for four years. I do know that everyone has a difference pain tolerance and you are right that no one can know each one's pain as each is individualized. Although I have never been in the service I believe hearing your story has helped me understand a little more of what you have been going through. It does not seem like fun. As a nurse I am proud of your efforts to help others despite flashbacks, etc. I commend you for doing what you have done, realizing what it has done to you, and sharing it with the world. Know that others do care even those like me who have never been in the military. You gave so much to our country and I appreciate it. Sincerely, Rebecca