Divorce Agreement

[SuperScout]

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. Since most of the liberals/whiners/socialists live on the east coast or the west coast, you can keep the coastal states. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, Big Oil, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens, or wetbacks, as we affectionately call them. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. That includes you. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters, since they are worthless anyhow. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every mini-station wagon you can find. Good luck with that, if you dare to get out on your hiways. That's assuming you have any gasoline.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and the "National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World."

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Remember, Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth, while Socialism is the equal distribution of misery. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. You wont ever see a Conservative burn his flag in protest!

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal whiners and conservative patriots. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years..


Sincerely,

Brice H. Barnes
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.