For Wazza

[reeb]

Hey Yall,

I was just told that Keith Got a King Size water bed for his patients!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

enough...........

[janecallanan]

Keith....reeb is hoging all the covers. And he's cracking his knuckles. i don't think the water bed thing is going to work.

[Timothy R. Kuhr]

Ahh, chill out Wazza,
Nobody's questioning the masculinity or the flavor of your local wildlife. Actually, I kinda like the idea of putting "usefull" animals on your Natonal Seal. I mean, anybody who would stew a bald eagle has got to be one step away from canniblism. And anybody who needs a .50 cal to hunt birds (Emus, not those African thingies) has my respect.
Maybe, Ben Franklin had it right and the wild turkey should have been our national bird: THEY'RE not endangered!

[kenmar]

...here's my last ( For now )contribution to subject----Today's Dave Barry column...

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When the cows come home -- as angry, flatulent kangaroos:


People always ask me: How come the newspaper prints so much bad news? How come the front page always has negative headlines like: ''Freak Espresso Machine Explosion Destroys Crowded Starbucks?'' Why don't we print stories with a positive slant, like: ``Destroyed Starbucks Was Popular Gathering Place for Lawyers?''

Well, OK, then. You want good news? We got yer good news right here, starting with this: EXCITING ADVANCE IN LIVESTOCK FLATULENCE.

As you know if you have ever stood outdoors in the Midwest, cows give off methane gas. We don't know why. Maybe they're bored. Maybe they're trying to spoil humanity's appetite for hamburgers. All we know is, scientists believe that methane gas is a major factor in global warming.

For the record, I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the biggest single cause of global warming is menopause. Also, I recently received a letter from a reader named Ron Houtsma who theorizes that global warming may be related to the alarming increase in the number of pizza ovens, especially in New Jersey.

But methane is surely a factor, and cows produce a lot of it. That's why we should all be very excited about the recent scientific discovery concerning -- I am not making this up -- kangaroo flatulence. According to news articles sent in by many alert readers, scientists in Australia have found that even though kangaroos eat the same grasses as cows, they (the kangaroos, not the scientists) produce no methane.

The question that springs to mind, of course, is: How did the scientists conduct this research? It cannot be easy to collect emission samples from a non-domesticated animal that can travel 40 miles per hour, leap 30 feet at a single bound AND punch. I'm guessing the task of gathering kangaroo gas samples fell to some rookie scientist (``OK, Sedgwick: Here's a jar, a helmet and a pogo stick. Now get out there and win one for the planet!'').

So anyway, now the Australian scientists are trying to figure out how the kangaroos manage to be methane-free. They think the answer may one of the 40 types of bacteria they have identified in the kangaroo's stomach. I don't even want to THINK about how they collected those samples. (``OK, Sedgwick: Here's a jar, a rope and a snorkel.'')

The scientists plan to isolate the anti-methane bacterium in the kangaroo's stomach, then see what happens when they put this same bacterium into the stomachs of cows. Speaking as a layperson concerned about the future of my planet (Earth), I just want to say to these scientists, in humble gratitude: ARE YOU INSANE?? What if the bacterium causes the cows to develop other kangaroo characteristics? And what if these modified cows escape from Australia? It would be like the killer bees, only much worse: 'WISCONSIN -- Weary National Guard troops continued to battle a rampaging herd of bacteria-enhanced Australian kangaroo cows that have been bounding around this heartland state, soaring over fences with moos of derision and punching their way into grain silos. `The worst thing,' said one Guardsman, 'is when they get airborne, and suddenly you're facing a hailstorm of incoming meadow muffins. Although I have to say they don't smell as bad as the local cow' .''

So there is a certain risk involved in the Australian scientists' research. But however it works out, I think we can all agree on one thing: ''The Moos of Derision'' would be a good name for a rock band.

[janecallanan]

Too funny, Ken. Thanks for taking the roo thing one more step!