Afternoon Humor!

[revwardoc]

Two businessmen conclude a very successful business trip. To celebrate, the first guy suggests going to a strip club and getting a lap dance.

The second guy says, "Can't; my wife considers even getting a lap dance as cheating!"

The first guy says, "That's ridiculous! A lap dance isn't cheating!"

The second guy says, "I know, but the worst thing is that my girlfriend agrees with her!"

[b3196]

Same situation except one guy suggest they go out and pick up some whores for the evening.....The second guys says "I got more than I can handle at home" The first guy Suggests "OK lets go to your house then"
Bob K

[Boats]

>Subject: Fw: A Halloween Tale]
>

>
>
>A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears:
> BUMP...
> BUMP...
> BUMP.. behind him.
>Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
>an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him
> BUMP...
> BUMP...
> BUMP...
>Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
>quickly behind him faster.. faster...
> BUMP..
> BUMP...
> BUMP.
>He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
>slams and locks the door behind him.
>
>However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
>clapping
>
> clappity-BUMP...
> clappity-BUMP...
> clappity-BUMP...
>on his heels the terrified man runs.
>Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
>pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
>
>With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
>Bumping and clapping toward him.
>
>The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
>a bottle of cough syrup!
>
>Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>
>
> and,
>
>
>(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
>
>
>
>
>
>The coffin stops!

[Boats]

Sister sent me this one.

[revwardoc]

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough ?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's YOU.

[revwardoc]

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work,
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"'Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

[Boats]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here, we'd get screwed. so we're just waiting.

[revwardoc]

It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the'60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

[SuperScout]

The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics...this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me a wake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough " ?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

[WateringHole]

Got one you fellas can tell your grandkids. It's a Cajun Joke:

Old man LaBLanc was going visit his his grandkids back of the bayou on Easter Sunday in Cut Off. He was drivig down LA1 singing Jo Le Blon to himself when all of a sudden, a big rabbit came hopping across LaBlanc's pickem-up triuck and LaBlanc knocked that big rabbit out colder than a cucumber.
LaBlanc was scared that might be the Easter Bunny and was scared to death he killed him. Then LaBlanc noticed down the road his old friend Boudreaux chugling down the highway towards him and he flagged him down. Boudreaux asked, "mae, what's wrong LaBlanc" and he said "Boudreaux, you got to help me out. I believe I hit the Easter Bunny and if that's him laying on the highway, all the kids in the bayou will be mad at me for the rest of their lives. Boudreaux said "Hold up, don't do anything, lets see what I can do". Boudreaux went to the cab of his pick-em truck and came back with a can of hair spray. Boudreaux began spraying that hair spray up that big bunny's nose until there wasn't any more left. LaBlanc said "why did you do that neg" Boudreaux said "mon be quiet and watch", lil while later that big bunny began to shiver and kick all over. That big bunny jumped up, grabbed his sack and began hopping down the bayou, he turned around, waved at the two Cajuns, began hopping through the bayou, stopped, turned around and waved at the two Cajuns again. The big bunny kept doing the same thing until he couldn't be seen anymore.
LaBlanc asked Boudreaux "say nag, mon what you had in that can you sprayed in that bunny nose" ? Boudreaux said "mon, all it was,was hair spray. Says right here on the can, BRINGS HAIR BACK TO LIFE, WORKS GREAT ON PERMANENT WAVES."