Evening Humor

[STYCK]

1.Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a Persimmon tree that will support a 10 lb Possum...
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard:
A) 66' Ford Fairlane
B) 69' Chevrolet Chevelle
C) 64' Pontiac GTO
3.If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour....
how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product...
4.A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM.The density of the pine trees in
a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.
The lot is 2.3 acres in size.
The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
How many Budweiser Tall Boys will it take to cut the trees...
5.If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R 12 simultaneously,what would be the the
decrease in the ozone layer....
6.A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch is 16 feet.The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses,how many hound dogs will be killed.
7.A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.
The man has 5 children.Can each of the children place a mobile home on the mans land...
8.A 2-ton puplwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45mph.
The brakes fail.
Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads:
How many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain...
For extra credit:
How many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked wind shields...
9.A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1 Division 2 Hazardous Area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd Shift.
How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift
10.How many generations will it take before cattle develop shorter than the others because of grazing
along a mountain side.

[STYCK]

Cards we would like to send...to those we have a tendenacy to dislike...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hellwas I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

[STYCK]

When a man steals your wife,there is no better revenge than to let him keep her
David Bissonette

After marriage,husband and wife become two sides of a coin;they just can't face each other,but they still stay together...
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry.If you get a good wife,you'll be happy.If you get a bad one,you'll become a philosopher
Socretes

Woman inspires us to great things,and prevents us from doing them
Anonymous

The great question...which I have not been able to answer...is...'What does a woman want.
Dumas

I had some words with my wife,and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.We take time to go to a restruant two times a week.A little
candleight,music,soft music and dancing...She goes on Tuesdays,I go on Fridays
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds faster than electronic banking.It's called marriage
Sam Kinson

I've had bad luck with both of my wives..The first one left me..and the second one didn't
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1.When your wrong..admit it 2.Whenever your right..shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once
Nash

You know what I did before I got married...anything I wanted to
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy fo twenty years...Then we met
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classfieds:'Wife wanted'.The next day he recieved a hundred letters.They all said the same...'You can have mine'
Anonymous

[Stick]

"When Man is within view of Woman,
the Man is assignable!"

[STYCK]

During a practical exercise during Military Police AIT, the instructor was giving the class instructions in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

[STYCK]

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Army husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

[STYCK]

Difference Between Having Guts Or Balls
Guts or Balls?

I have often wondered what the difference was.

There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS -
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS -
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
'You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

[STYCK]

ENGLISH....I Love You

SPANISH...Te Amo

FRENCH....Je T'aime

GERMAN...Ich Liebe Dich

JAPANESE..Ai Shite Imasu

THAI...............Phom Rak Khun

ITALIAN.........Ti Amo

CHINESE.....WOO AI NI

SWEDISH....JAG ALSKAR

ALABAMA,ARKANSAS,KANSAS,OKLAHOMA,TEXAS,
NORTH CAROLINA,,SOUTH CAROLINA,
GEORGIA,TENNESSEE,MISSOURI,LOUISIANA
VIRGINIA KENTUCKY
And Parts of FLORIDA

" NICE ASS GET IN THE TRUCK"

[STYCK]

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

[darrels joy]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

(This was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how theyspent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and theymoved to Arizona ..

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don'tknow who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got itfixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don'tdo them very well..

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hatson.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it..He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

.... PRICELESS