Evening Humor

[STYCK]

Sometime this year we taxpayers will again recieve another:
"ECONOMIC STIMULUS PAYMENT"

This is indeed avery exciting program,and I'll explain it
by using a Q & A format:

Q..What is an 'ECONOMIC STIMULUS PAYMENT'?
A..It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers

Q..Where will the government get this money?
A..From taxpayers

Q..So,the government is giving me back my own money ?
A..Only a smidgen of it.

Q..What is the purpose of this payment ?
A..The plan is for you to buy a HD TV thus stimulating the economy

Q..But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A..Shut up..

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy
by spending your stimulus check wisely...

* If you spend your stimulus money at Wal Mart..
Your money will go to China or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on gasoline,your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer..
It will got to India,China,or Taiwan

* If you spend it on fruits and vegetables..
it will go to Mexico,Honduras,and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to
Japan or Korea

* If you purchase usless stuff
it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay your credit cards off..or buy stock..
it will go to management bounses and they
will hide it off shore..

Instead...Keep the money in America by :

1..Spending it at yard sales
2..Going to ball games
3..Spending it on:
prostitutes,beer,or tatoos..
Since these are the only American businesses still operating in the US

CONCLUSION:
Got to a ballgame with a tatooed prostitute you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day

[revwardoc]

FARM KID in the ARMY




Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing; I keep getting medals for shooting! I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,
Alice

[revwardoc]

If only!

[revwardoc]

Didja hear about the blonde who returned a scarf to the store? It was too tight.

[revwardoc]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

[darrels joy]

An odd, persistent feeling that something’s watching you

posted at 10:18 pm on April 15, 2010 by directorblue
[ Taxes ]

Man, I’ve had this creepy feeling for sooooo long.
Whatcha mean?
I don’t know, but it feels like something’s been watching me for months!
Oh, yeah, that figures.
Why?
Well, check it out…
Well, what the hell is it?
That?
That’s the money you could have saved by voting Republican!
http://hotair.com/greenroom/archives/2010/04/15/an-odd-persistent-feeling-that-somethings-watching-you/

[STYCK]

.Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not x-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant.
I can see it now;
you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Is that cool or what!!!

[revwardoc]

How consultants can make a difference in an organization.

We took some friends to a new restaurant and I noticed the waiter taking our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. This seemed a little strange. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' He explained,'Well, the owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil, with a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that the waiter had a string hanging out of his fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had a string hanging from their flies. So before the waiter walked off, I said, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' Lowering his voice. he said, 'Not everyone is so observant.The consulting firm also determined how we could save time in the restroom.. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and thus, eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered,

'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[revwardoc]

A Texan is drinking in a Louisiana bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas , folks. . .like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 20 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[darrels joy]

The Candy With The Little Hole This should make you smile. You have to love little kids. The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red.....................Cherry Yellow...............Lemon Green....................Lime Orange ..............Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're " a-- holes!" The teacher had to leave the room!