heh heh heh

[SEATJERKER]

...i would like a copy of all the jokes you have written here printed up, and distributed to any, and all service men/women abroad...

...Rodger you have a knack for lightening the load when needed...

...and to all a good knock...

...err.........................

[thedrifter]

Once there was a couple that didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work; but the guy was happy with his job, and they lived a normal life and had a nice home.

One day, the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest." The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to the pet store determined to win the contest.

"Hi, can I help you?" the sales person said.

"Yes, we're looking for an exotic pet," the husband said.

"Oh, I have just the thing," said the sales person. "Follow me."

They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.

"Why is he so exotic?" asked the husband.

"You see," said the sales person, "this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs."

"Yes, yes, I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the perch?"

"Well, sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the salesperson.

"Wow, this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought. So he bought the bird.

The couple ended up winning the contest. A few weeks later, the husband came home, and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife.

"Milkman came to the door... Wife took off milkman's clothes... Milkman took off wife's clothes..." the parrot said, but then it stopped.

"What?" the husband asked, and the bird said it again.

The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot.

He reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted, "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"

"I don't know," the parrot said. "I got hard and fell off the branch."

[thedrifter]

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.

[thedrifter]

visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

Fifteen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host."

The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'"

[thedrifter]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ... the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.

[thedrifter]

Construction Worker on 3rd Floor



There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need",) and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got ****ed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

[thedrifter]

Summer Vacation



It is near the end of the school year, and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break.

The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each of my questions may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Four score and seven years ago?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher says, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered first.

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'I have a dream?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary answers, "Martin Luther King."

The teacher says, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny is even madder that Mary answered first.

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John Kennedy."

The teacher says, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turns her back, and Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher says, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny answers, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"

[thedrifter]

Neighborhood Report



Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[thedrifter]

Buying Condoms



A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[thedrifter]

The Eel



Little Johnny was only 12-years-old. He had been hearing a lot about courting from the older boys, so he asked his mother what and how it was done.

She told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This Johnny did, and this is what Johnny told his mother later.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then they turned off the lights, all but the blue one. Then the boyfriend began kissing her and putting his hand under her blouse.

"Pretty soon they began to pant and get out of breath, and then he took his hand from inside her blouse and put it under her dress. When he did this, Sis began to moan, sigh, squirm, and scoot down toward the edge of the couch, until soon she was lying down. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled out a big eel about 10" long. It was standing up and he had it in his hand to keep it from getting away. Sis started to help him and they both wrestled it. Finally, Sis held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting. Sis had both hands on it, and she spread both her legs to she could get a better hold on it.

He helped her by laying on the eel. Soon they got the eel between them, and Sis wrapped her arms and legs around her boyfriend and they started to wrestle that darned eel between them, and that eel put up one hell of a fight. Sis squealed and her boyfriend almost upset the couch, and for a minute I thought the darned thing was going to get away from them, but Sis grabbed it just as it was going to get away from them and stuck it back between her legs. Pretty soon they gave a big long sigh and grunted and stopped moving.

"Her boyfriend got up and they sure had killed that eel because he hung, limber as a hot water bottle, with some of its insides hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started loving and kissing again, and by gosh, that eel came out and wanted to fight again. Sis gave a squeal and grabbed it in record time, and the way they both wrestled and battled with it-it was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they had a longer struggle, but Sis and her boyfriend finally won!

They really killed him this time because her boyfriend pulled its skin off and flushed it down the toilet."