French Military History

[SuperScout]

"Going to war without France on our side is like going deer hunting without an accordion." -- H. Ross Perot.

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare:
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. .

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, but fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

Question: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
Answer: Don't know - they've never tried.

[reconeil]

Glad to hear that my: "Gombahs" or bloomin-Aye-Ties (re. Italians)
could actually whoup or kick SOMEONES ass in more modern times. Thanks S.S.

Still, it is sort-of embarassing that the best "They" could do such to,...was in Ethiopia and France. But, se la vi mon ami.

Though, and in fairness to my more ancient: "Gombahs", it must be said that The Romans weren't exactly pussycats. Don't believe they could have taken so much ground, if that were the case.

Neil

[Timothy R. Kuhr]

A British foot-wear designer?
I thought he was a cook.
In fairness, Neil, Julius Paisano had a lot of good luck - the blue-painted Britons decided to negotiate just as he was figuring out how to get back to the continent with his army intact. and Ver-something-or-there in Gaul (France) decided to hole up and get sieged in.
As for modern times, how about we carve off Pointe-du-hoc, and the Normandy beaches (Americans, British and Canadians paid for them) and give the rest of the country back to the Germans - they seem to like it, for some reason.

[Keith_Hixson]

I had an older member of our church who died a couple of years ago. He was French Partisan during WW II. Robert Roussan spent 3 years in a German Prison Camp. He was a very brave man. However, he had become disillusioned with the French Government when they started to become "anti-American" and began to embrace communism 40+ years ago and he immigrated to the United States.
The recent action would have frustrated him even more. He told me the greatest site he ever saw was the United States Army men who opened his cell door and set him free. He was more loyal to the United States than most Americans. Not all French are useless. There were some great partisans and freedom fighters in France during WW II.

Its sad that France has the attitudes they show. Sad indeed.

Keith

[catman]

Keith...I really think this is more a case of "a few bad apples" than the whole lot.

Trav

[phuloi]

Got this today from Marinevet:

A sneek peek at the State Department's latest Country Assessment of the Republic of France:

> Because France plans to veto a UN Security Council Resolution aimed at
liberating Iraq, the following advisory for American travelers heading
for France has been issued. It was compiled by the U.S. Department of
State from information provided by the CIA, U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Lady
Margaret Thatcher, the FBI, Food Channel, Centers for Disease Control, Fox
News, and very expensive spy satellites the French don't even know about. This
guide contains insensitive information marked For Your Eyes Only.
>
> OVERVIEW: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the
continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though
not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and several smaller "nations" of no particular consequence
and inferior shopping. France is an old country with many treasures, such
as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western
civilization:
> Camembert cheese, champagne, truffles, and the guillotine.
>
>
France postures as a modern, cutting-edge nation; in reality,
air-conditioning is rare, personal under-arm deodorants are unheard
of, and decent Mexican food cannot be found. Exasperating for typically
respectful American visitors is the fact that the French people stubbornly still
speak only French, although many will use passable English if threatened
physically. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

>
DEMOGRAPHY: France has 54 million French persons, most of whom drink and
smoke heavily, drive helter-skelter, are dangerously oversexed, and have no
concept of standing patiently in line. The French are gloomy, temperamental,
proud, arrogant, loof, and undisciplined--and those are their good points.
Most French profess to be Roman Catholic, an amusing anomaly if one
considers their behavior. Many also are Communists. Topless sunbathing is common among the numerous flat-chested women. Men, even if not wearing thongs in public, often have girls' names like Yves and Marie, and ardently will kiss
each other when handing out medals.
American visitors should travel in groups and wear baseball caps and
colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
> SAFETY: France usually is safe to visit, although travelers are
advised that periodically it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender promptly and, other than a temporary shortage of Scotch and increased
difficulty in obtaining baseball scores and stock-market prices, life for
visitors generally goes on as if nothing has occurred. A tunnel under
the English Channel connecting France and Britain has been opened in
recent years to make it easier for the entire government to flee to London.
>
> HISTORY: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages (before
there was even a Texas or United States). Other important historic figures
are Louis XIV (pronounced "14th"), born-again Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was president for many years and
is now an airport.
>
> GOVERNMENT: The French form of government is wildly democratic.
Elections are conducted continuously, and invariably result in a runoff. For
administrative efficiency, the nation is subdivided into regions, departments,
districts, municipalities, cantons, zip codes, communes, villages, cafes, booths,
and floor tiles.
> Parliament has two chambers, Upper and Lower (inexplicably, both are
on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or Communists,
neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's only roles are 1) to set off atomic
bombs in the South Pacific, then 2) be indignant when anyone complains.
> U.S. intelligence indicates the current president answers to "Jacques"
(his "s" is silent).
>
> CULTURE: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is
difficult to understand why. All their songs sound the same, their dancing is
violent, and their movies are worthless except for the nude scenes, provided
you like to watch effeminate men and ambivalent women chain-smoking on a garish
bed. Gallic architecture is pure copycat, and all poems and novels are
inexplicably in French.
>
> CUISINE: No matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is still a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, though, are excellent, but
nearly impossible for Americans to pronounce. Travelers should stick to the
well-done cheeseburgers and so-called "French" fries at leading hotels
such as Holiday Inn.
As to drinking water, France bottles dirty melted snow under the label
of Evian and sells it to Americans for the same price as high-octane gas.
As you all know, "Evian" spelled backwards is "naive."
>
> ECONOMY: France has a large and diversified economy, second in Europe
only to Germany's. This is surprising because French people hardly ever work.
If not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in
ascending order of importance to its pro-peace economy, are geese,
attack aircraft, perfume, guided missiles, pornography, high-tech guns, wine,
grenade launchers, ugly Citroen cars, land mines, lace, combat knives,
cheese, nuclear weapons, condoms, and 139,745 personal military and
petrochemical advisers to Saddam Hussein.
>
>
> HOLIDAYS: France has more days off than any other nation in the
world--704 every 365-day year. National holidays include 197 days for saints, 37
National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return
of General Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won World Two
Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish
Days.
> Other important holidays are Peaceful Nuclear Bomb Day, the Feast of
Brigitte Bardot Day, and National Guillotine Day.
>
> CONCLUSION: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque landscape,
lovely towns, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice
country if it weren't inhabited by French people.
>
> WARNING: Consular services of the U.S. Government are intended
primarily to promote business abroad. In the event, however, you are the victim of
a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report any
Tuesday to the American Embassy on Rue of Rues between 5:20 and 5:25 a.m., and a consular official (a French local who is supremely attuned to your plight) will give you a list of qualified dentists or taxidermists.
>
>
> Remember, no one ordered you to visit France. Loyal Americans vacation
in Miami Beach, and we advise you to do the same. Good luck, mazeltov,
buena suerte--or even bon chance, if you insist on speaking funny.

[reconeil]

V-E-E-E-RY I-N-N-T-E-E-RESTING mein freund. Hell, I learned more about scenic downtown France from you, than anybody could possibly ever want to know about our overly-courteous and ever helpful French friends.

Still, and even if: "...139,745 personal military and petrochemical advisors to Saddam Hussein" was grossly exaggerated(?), even if only actually 10 of such were in Iraq explains much. In fact, if only 10 such Flemish, 10 such French, or 10 such Germans are in Iraq, "Such" should pretty-much explain all the ongoing nonsense to most everyone. Well, to non-political or normal people anyway.

Neil

[phuloi]

Precisely,Mon Ami...There is much truth inserted in this comical jargon.

[catman]

Griz...correct me if I am wrong but I thought I heard something about France just signing a trade pact with Iraq for several billion dollars. Do you or anyone know anything about this?

Trav

[SuperScout]

How many currently active trade pacts do the Frogs have with Saddam? There is a report out today that a visible, real link between Jacques Chirac, HMFIC of the Spineless French, and ol' Saddam baby. When we start reading all the sales slips between teh French and the Iraqis, after we occupy Baghdad, maybe even Ramsey Clark will be surprised, Nahhh, Ramsey wouldn't be impressed with the subtlety of an M1 Abrams doing a neutral steer on his private parts.