I hate all of you...

[Boats]

I've been out of the loop for awhile - what's happening?
3 hours in the VA yesterday.

I've noticed many unusual topics of late is it a moon thing
or what. Let's kick back and recap what life has given
us and then be grateful for the things we do have.

[SEATJERKER]

...thank you all for "putting up with me, my raving, my ranting at times...

...I do not claim to be Politically correct, and venture beyond limitations, I'm human,some times I feel like ABN/CIB's old motto "I hate everyone without regards to race, color, creed,etc"...
...some of you know me, some can relate but I don't know myself at times, I live moment to moment, I am 'conditioned to be that way after many years of hiding within myself...

... I've had the privlidge of meeting 3 other distingushed members of this forum, and spoken via land line with several others over the course of some odd three years,... Fred , and I spoke for a long time again the other evening while he's"recalibrating"let's say , and his reassurences help calm the inner storm,... It takes someone such as he to make someone such as me feel like a "brother", I've always been that odd man out, in the middle of shoulda, and through my small segment of "life's experiences", i've ended up being well ahead of my class, but I still don't have class... PTSD makes me live that moment to moment outside my home, ...

..."Vita Matatur, Non Tollitur"...Life is changed, but not ended...
...sometimes I don't feel that way, PTSD affects so many so different ,...will always feel guilty about not being worthy after 4 minutes of terror, shoulda been born 5, or 10 years earlier to serve with some of you, not wasn't in that deal of the cards...

I am very caught up in the current situation of the world, and the stress of it all wires me out because I'm a very controling person in my own world, (outside the house) PTSD taught me to be too over cautious, paranoid if you say, but I'm still alive due to assessing everyone, and everything 100 times over for 23 years since.... I've endured the ridicule, the shame of a premature discharge, and being stuck in the middle of 2 wars of which I couldn't serve in, but yet am the "poster boy" for PTSD trying to balance a family, and a home while maintain sanity...

...supressing such a bad memories for so long is like an infection, it seeps, and festers until there is no ther recourse, but to erupt, and when it does, it is catastrophic, so my lava held for 18 such years, and has been flowing ever since, like lava emotions that hot travel where it wants to, or not, ...

...the ones you care for are the ones you hurt the most, unintentionally , or not, I changed a real lot from the man I used to be, some good, some bad, I find the range of depression to rage happening much faster, don't know which is worse...

...found myself in a situation the other night that I hate, and it just seems that I can't avoid confrontaions, yea I drink as much, or as little as everyone else seems a "few' numbs me in the reality of it all, and while stoppin at the local tavern the other night on my way home from my other garage I have with my younger brother, i'm sittin there, and it was makin it's way to being late, and the place was emptying out, few of the girls that work there were closing out their tab sheets, and when this guy saunters up from the back room, and the waitress handed him his check, and I start hearing voices elevate with "35 dollars", and the girl was movin by continuing work trying to get out of there, and this guys is starting to make a racket, when on the second pass by him on her way into the kitchen, he raises his voice even more, and grabs her by the arm as she's heading in, and for a few seconds, I can't see, or hear shi+, and my PTSD kicks in, I'm waitin for the screams, and I was off my stool heading back in fast, he's got her cornered, and by the arm, and she had this look of fright in her eyes, and I've seen that look to many times before...
...He snapped his head around as I entered the kitchen area, and looked at me, and let go as I was about to grab the first thing I could kill him with, I was about to lose it when she whisped around the side of me and went out the other door back to the bar, he stood there, and looked at me, and the psyco vets hat, and knew he was in some deep shit, I growled "don't ever let me see you put your hands on her again", and I figured he was either gonna pull a piece, and shoot me, or we was gonna fight, etc...
... he didn't reach for anything, and that settled a few worries of mine off the bat, and he didn't reach for anything to grab in the first 5 seconds,(a life time), and he started to shake, and I knew he was a punk...
...I turned, and walked out before my intuition told me to wipe the floor with him,...

... and as it turned out, she said the little bastard was supposidly her boyfriend, I went back to my stool shaking, and still am, he emerged a minute or so later, and glared at me, and that was all it took, I headed back off the stool asap, and was headed his way when all three of the girls there addressed the situation, and kinda cut me off as he was backing up, they advised him that he better not mess with me, he started apologizing, and offered his thanks to me for "watching out for his girlfriend", and I told him he was full of shi+, and to get the f*#k away from me...

...shi+ didn't happen that way when I was a kid, You DON'T touch a woman unless she wants you to...

...so you see, everytime I seem to leave my house, and hit a public place, some shi+ starts to fly, and , you know the rest....

...I suppose thats part of the reason I'm still wired from a few days ago again, the values, and virtues I once knew seem to be disappearing, and I'm quite distressed at the way the world is going on a home front, that's where it seems my wars are fought...

...just trying to come down...............

[SweetSue]

SJ
you seem to me, a man of integrity and honesty.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

Susan

[Boats]

SeatJerker,

Oh that's all it was - your OK I was worried for a moment.

[SEATJERKER]

...Thanks Sue for the pm, and boats, your line makes it easier to smile a bit...
...I'm just a skyrocket,,... short fuse,...lift off fast, and boom, you never know what will light off, then comes the crash landing......

[DMZ-LT]

What boats said. Don't mean nothing. You need to come to the Legion with us somrtime Curtis. It can be fun. Keep talking and keep movin

[nang]

But look how eloquently you described the whole situation. That's gotta count for something- I bet you wouldn't have been able to say all those things a while back. Sounds like progress. "Keep pushin on.." REO
We're here for ya

[sn-e3]

curtis check your pm's

[Stick]

Hey guy! You can be real proud of yourself. You did the right thing. The wrong thing to do would have been to run away to a bunker while a woman was being manhandled by some guy. Is that PTSD? If it is then I hope more of us are afflicted with it. Can't stand some guy hitting a woman and if I have my way about it he's going to have to hit me first. But he's going to only get the second swing because I have dibs on the first. I'm proud of you.
Now come out of that bunker. There ain't no enemy here.
It just don't mean nuthin!

[phuloi]

I`m going to be blunt here.I disagree with everyone`s assessment that everything is cool,and rah-rah Curtis,don`t mean nuthin,you done the right thing bullshit.If you ever intend to learn to control the symptoms of PTSD and live a fruitful life with your family,you can not abuse alcohol.The two simply don`t mix.Oil and water.It won`t work.I say this because I know it to be fact,and I say it because I care deeply for you and I don`t want to see you have to go to the depths that I did to finally realize it.I hope I haven`t over-stepped my bounds,but one thing to be sure..you`ll always get nothing from me that is not honest and from my heart.God bless you,my brother.