Evening Humor

[revwardoc]

A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"

Way in the back Achmed raised his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You must come up here and tell us about your experience''.

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Achmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"


Achmed replied, " Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats!!!"

[darrels joy]

PONDERISMS


·I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

There are two kinds of pedestrians......the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

·Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

·Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

·Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive quicker?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

[darrels joy]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[revwardoc]

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow:
I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant:
I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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Why are you scrolling down?

It's your turn to say something...

[revwardoc]

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. Six AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch The Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning on one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out a friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too.

[Liberty1775]

Oh my gosh. You guys are a riot!
I read page 6, and laughed harder as I scrolled farther down.

Now I know where to go when I'm in need of a good laugh.

Thanks

[Liberty1775]

@darrels joy

There are two kinds of pedestrians......the quick and the dead.

I couldn't agree more, but there is one thing I would like to add. As my family has always put it:

"They (the pedestrians) were right, but they'd be dead right."

[Liberty1775]

Ooh, you've got my attention. What a novel idea!

Hey, any chance you know what skirmish that was?

Thanks

[BLUEHAWK]

Well, I thought I knew.

Where do I go wrong?

[BLUEHAWK]

Wednesday, June 15, 2011 10:09 AM
Message body

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