Afternoon Humor!

[SuperScout]

A group of Tyler friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

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A senior at Texas A&M was overheard saying "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in East Texas." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in East Texas because everything happens in East Texas 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

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The young man from Texas A&M came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

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NEWS FLASH! - Brian/College Station's worst disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

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A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

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A man in Tyler had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

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The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Texas A & M University, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those East Texas women.

[Jerry D]

loved the plane crash story

[SuperScout]

Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting - as told to a French journalist

Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist recently.

The journalist asked,"What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French in that way."

[Jerry D]

here is something to make a bad day not look so bad:

Six Bad Days

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
Applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten
by a killer whale.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter
in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of
needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her
mentally retarded.


3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
Down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.


4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically
with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him
with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.

Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
Pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...


6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

[revwardoc]

A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'NIL'.



White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.



The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked,

"Is Nothing Sacred?"

[revwardoc]

Zebediah was in the fertilized-egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation

The judges not only awarded him the No-Bell-Piece Prize but also the Pullet-Surprise.

[Jerry D]

Some good ones there Doc Thanks for posting the funnies

[revwardoc]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest... The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" He told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

[SuperScout]

Fresh from her shower, the lady stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and standing in front of the mirror, began rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.

The wife stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

[SuperScout]

A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help. They sent an agent out to interview & investigate the accusations. Upon arrival at the ranch agents demanded, "We need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"

The rancher replied, "There's my ranch hand whose been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board." The cook has been here for 18 months, "I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board".

Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says the agent.

That would be me," replied the rancher.