Afternoon Humor!

[darrels joy]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. I recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?



To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"



He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."



Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"



She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

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IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."



Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"



To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."



This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

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They walk among us


and REPRODUCE.

[Jerry D]

some good ones there Joy

[SuperScout]

A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a bureaucrat with the U.S. government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. Now give me back my dog."

[SuperScout]

Marxism 101: "We know that no one person can succeed unless everybody else succeeds." ?Howard Dean

Stuck on Stupid: "So I ask my fellow Senators, are we really that frightened of somebody's willingness to go out and be stupid? In the United States of America, you have a right to be stupid." ?John Kerry on the flag burning amendment

From our best ex-president: "Our government leaders have become increasingly obsessed with secrecy... [W]e must seek amendments to [the Freedom of Information Act] to be more in line with emerging international standards... Our democracy depends on it." ?Jimmy Carter **"There is nothing in life so pathetic as a former president." ?John Quincy Adams

From the "Blow Hard" Files: "There clearly is a double standard; it's with the administration. They leak things they want to leak. And when the Plame leak came out, there was no outrage, there was no high dudgeon... There's been no punishment, no outcry, etc. You can't have it both ways and use leaks when you want to and don't use leaks when you don't." ?Sen. Chuck Schumer ++ "[Last week's] Supreme Court decision reaffirms the American ideal that all are entitled to the basic guarantees of our justice system. This is a triumph for the rule of law." ?Nancy Pelosi ++ "I think the Republicans will rue the day if they politicize this. This is the time for the Congress to come together, both political parties, and we can do this, and the president, and work out the parameters of whether it is a special authorized commission, whether it is a military tribunal, but that gives the detainees the rights that the Constitution provides. And this is our strength; it is not our weakness." ?Dianne Feinstein **Which of the detainees is a U.S. citizen with constitutional rights and protections?

[darrels joy]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He

was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he

did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came

into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After

complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms

and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this

reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of

complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,

"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his

breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half

hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?"

asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?

Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation..........."

[Stick]

Military laughs? Here's a pretty good site - http://www.military-quotes.com/military-jokes-humor.htm

[Jerry D]

The Dog and Carnation stories were gr8t ,thanks ya'll for posting them

[SuperScout]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Somberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with
fear asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

[SuperScout]

Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France's best player got ejected for headbutting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform
has come to combat in 60 years.

[revwardoc]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I
asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the jar open!"