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#72
12-16-2005, 12:48 PM
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A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only 150.00?" The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
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One Big Ass Mistake, America "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." 
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#74
12-17-2005, 07:48 AM
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Albert had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week, and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night ... though you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great," says, Albert, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you for the invite." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Albert. "After 25 years in the liquor business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," Lars said. "Now that's really not a problem," say Albert, warming to the idea, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Whatever you want ... Just gonna be the two of us."
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One Big Ass Mistake, America "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
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#75
12-18-2005, 08:04 AM
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Christmas songs by the mentally ill
SCHIZOPHRENIA Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER We Three Queens Disoriented Are DEMENTIA I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..... PARANOID Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why. DEPRESSION Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ....... ....(better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
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I'd rather be historically accurate than politically correct.
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#76
12-18-2005, 08:06 AM
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For My Liberal Friends:
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher." For My Conservative Friends: "Here's wishing all of You a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"
__________________
I'd rather be historically accurate than politically correct.
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#78
12-18-2005, 05:21 PM
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Some Useless Trivia to Chuckle at
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
------------------------------------------- Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) ------------------------------------------- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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[><] Dixie born and proud of it.
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#79
12-19-2005, 07:25 AM
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That's what I'm talkin' 'bout:
BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD.........UNTIE!!!
__________________
"Gratitude is riches, and complaint is poverty, and the worst I ever had was wonderful!" -- Brother Dave Gardner
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#80
12-19-2005, 03:53 PM
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Bear Bryant in heaven!
Bear Bryant, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Alabama flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Paul," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Bear felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up to the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a red and black sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous UGA flag, and in every window, a Bulldawg or UGA symbol. Bear looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question, I was a good coach, I went to some bowl games." God said "So what do you want to know, Bear? "Well, why have you prepared a better house for Vince Doolie than for me?" "God chuckled, and said "Bear, that's not Doolie's house,.....it's mine!"
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[><] Dixie born and proud of it.
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