Afternoon Humor!

[catman]

Brice...that one may just win the prize!

Trav

[SuperScout]

Has this one been around yet?
============================================
A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. "But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."

The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims. "And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.

"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."

[revwardoc]

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Happy Holidays in advance,

Your safe friend

[goodnessgracie]

Trav, I think you'll especially like this one:



Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
faithful and loving wives .however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her undies and use them. Her friend however was
wearing rather expensive underwear and did not want to ruin them, but
was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with
a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls
did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said "These girl nights have got to stop!


I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no undies!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
stuck between the crack of her bum that said "From all of us at the
Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[Jerry D]

That was too cute (LOL) Gracie

[revwardoc]

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:
"Please send me a baby brother."


Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."

[revwardoc]

Subject: How To understand Men in 5 minutes

Guys' Rules


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side!

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered! "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down you don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[goodnessgracie]

Dan,

Apparently I think like a man (which tends to drive men insane).

Had that on the office door of a remodeling company where I was employed as a-- would you believe it-- remodeler.

Thanks for the post!!!

[SuperScout]

1. If you want a chore done, just tell us. If you want to tell us how to do a chore, just tell us. But don't tell us what chore you want done, and how to do it, because men's brain cells to begin to fry.

[Keith_Hixson]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"Yes."
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil. This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, buddy!"

I think it was Bob K. who did all the chopping


Keith