heh heh heh

[thedrifter]

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[thedrifter]

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it?s up?"
A Bank manager says "don?t take it out you?ll lose interest"!

[thedrifter]

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom

[thedrifter]

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

[thedrifter]

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

[thedrifter]

Sung to the tune: "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

[thedrifter]

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel
like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and
nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin '," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives,
eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the
60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 sharp."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning
at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[thedrifter]

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with
his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI
LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he
sat down wi! th his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could
spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN
INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a
good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and
fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE
IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his
TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in.....AMERICA.....

[thedrifter]

Be sure to read it all to the very bottom...

----- Original Message -----

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by
an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of
course, does not have a sense of humor, and made the

web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at
the end is worth a read too....)

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.



1. Title

[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name: ............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:............................................. .
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:............................................. .
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):
......../......./......

4. Serial Number: ........................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

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6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
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7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
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[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
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8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America
[_] Iraq
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9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV
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[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply

[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
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11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
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12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
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[_] Mercenary
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13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis:

[_] Golf
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[_] Sabotage
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[_] Propaganda / misinformation
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[_] Household pets
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[_] Fashion clothing
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[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
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registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department, Military Aerospace
Division



IMPORTANT:
This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named
above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or
unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
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Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
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Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to
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If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Sure, you can TRUST the Gov't. Ask any Indian.

[thedrifter]

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS,
excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the
Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he
was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straightforward, and
the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day
interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up, and
when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.
And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in
his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
from the matzo, and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to
the manufacturer, and every now and then, they send a box of
matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send
them to the I.R.S."


"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a
year, they send us a little prick like you."