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#32
01-18-2005, 02:54 PM
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With apologies to the Hillbillies...
The owner of a golf course in Arkansas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for a mathematical solution to his problem. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Arkansas and I need some help.
If I gave you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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One Big Ass Mistake, America "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." 
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#33
01-18-2005, 04:43 PM
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Political Hell
When Sharpton was being shown around the special part of hell reserved for all politicians, The Devil explained to him that space was short (understandably) and that he might not be able to let him stay in such a preferentially reserved spot in hell.
The Devil says: "Maybe I can make some space for you"? "So, let's seen what we can do". The Devil then takes Sharpton to a section with a whole bunch of doors, and shows him the first, and where Kennedy The Great Underwater Driver is being bobbed up and down mercilessly in a large tank of water. Sharpton quickly says: "No, no man". "That's not for me". So then, The Devil takes Sharpton to another door which shows some other politician trying to split large boulders with a sledge hammer. Sharpton then rubs his shoulder and says: "Sorry Mr. Devil, but I can't do that". "I've got a bad case of bursitis". They then go to a third door and where Sharpton's eyes light right up, since there resting in nice comfortable office chair with his hands behind his head, is his old buddy Slick Willy and/or Bill Clinton, with some dark-haired young girl quickly bobbing her head up and down in his lap. Quicker than a wink Sharpton says: "DAT'S FIR ME"!!! The Devil says: "You sure about that"? To which Sharpton says: "ABSOLUTELY"!!! So then,...The Devil takes Sharpton into the room and says:....... .................................................. ................................... .................................................. ................................... .................................................. .................................. .................................................. ................................. .................................................. ................................. ................"OK Monica,....It's time to leave". Neil 
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#34
01-19-2005, 05:08 AM
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ONE MORE TIME!!!!
I had a dream last night that I died and went to heaven. St Peter was taking me on a tour when we came across Sid making love to the ugliest girl ever....I said to St Peter, thats not like Sid. he always had the most beautiful girls when he was on earth. St Peter said that Sid wasn't too good on earth and this was his pennance. As we continued along we came across John. The girl he was boning was uglier than Sids. again I said thats not like John. He always had the best looking women on earth. St Peter said that John wasn't too good on earth and this was his pennance. As we continued along we came across Andy and he was making mad passonate love to Jessica Simpson. I immediatly spoke up and said Now thats Andy!!!! He always had the best look'n girls on earth Of which St Peter replied No its Jessica, she wasnt too good on earth and this is her pennance Bob K Andy.... it was only a dream
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Bob K. AKA bOOger God bless the ACLU
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#35
01-21-2005, 01:21 PM
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Questions and Answers
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q:What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? A: The position of the dirt bag Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it. Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts? Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever. Q: What dolawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A: 45 lbs Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? A: 45 minutes Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Q: What's the difference between a newwife and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? A: Mace will do that to you Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? A: He walks around saying "Yo." Q: Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A: A different bar. Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A: A speech impediment. Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe". Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Q: What's the difference bet ween a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...
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I'd rather be historically accurate than politically correct.
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#36
01-21-2005, 02:56 PM
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10 Harsh things a woman can say to a naked man.
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 3. This explains your car. 4. Is this an optical illusion? 5. Does it come with an air pump? 6. I guess this makes me the early bird. 7. Are you cold? 8. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 9. Wow, and your feet are so big. 10. What is that?
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No one is completely useless. They can always be used as a bad example.
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#37
01-21-2005, 03:54 PM
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Jokes
This is a sad day indeed. Just realized that I don't know any clean jokes.
Bob, the thing about Jessica Simpson being a bad little girl - It's a dirty job but there is no heavy lifting. Stay healthy, Andy PS: I find it strangely exciting that you dream about me. In April, we'll talk.
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#38
01-21-2005, 04:40 PM
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Allright enough with the Irish Jokes now.
__________________
 If your going to suceed your going to have to know how to deal with failure. (Joe Torre).
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tale ,thanks 
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