Afternoon Humor!

[Jerry D]

Those were some good ones Doc.Could you imagine the poor person sprayed by a Skunk going to work I bet ya' they would get the day off quickly Nothing saves you from your supervisor's ire like a blinking 12:00AM digital alarm clock after a early morning wind/thunderstorm had that happen to me a few times at McChord AFB. I would get a phone call asking if I planned on coming into work and I would look at the clock and remark how the clock was blinking 12:00AM down hear in South GA I have seen a few trees fall on folks' Car and with flooding keep people from making it into work.Then there is them ornery Hurricanes .......
BTW did anyone ever go into work an Hour early because they forgot to set the clock for Daylight savings? did that a couple of times myself at LRAFB.

[Keith_Hixson]

CHILDREN AND CHURCH

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny
sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"


Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which
showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which
story it was meant to represent. "The Flight to Egypt," was his reply. Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary,
Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.


The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."



A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One child in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"



A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting
better at it, isn't he ?"


Keith

[82Rigger]

LOL! LOL! ROTFL!!!

Keith, those are great!!

[Gimpy]

Speaking of blondes...............

A Gator Tale!

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to
the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll
open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my
unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates
in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his
mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and
the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer.

"I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to
give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a
while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll
try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head
with the beer bottle."


###########

[Jerry D]

I'll bet that Cajun paid her the hundred

[revwardoc]

GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP)

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of
President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential
bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

[revwardoc]

For All You Animal Lovers..........and for those who don't.......

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids .they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having
to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

[82Rigger]

A C-130 was en route on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!"

He went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.


The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.

The C-130 pilot responded "That was impressive, but watch this."

The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?"

The F-16 pilot asked, "What did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back, poured a cup of coffee, and took a piss."

Any questions?

[SuperScout]

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled thegator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy thenslowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

[Keith_Hixson]

New Definitions!

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.


The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy:

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima, and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk Season (Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them.

Most of the above applies to Western Washington and Oregon.

Eastern Washington and Oregon are semi-arid.

Keith