Hog On Ice Interview with Kerry

[SuperScout]

The Intrepid Hog On Ice Reporter Gets Exclusive Interview
"Regular guy" John Kerry, who Responds to Washington Times Story

Last night, I managed to get an exclusive cell-phone interview with John Kerry, concerning today's Washington Times story saying he lied about meeting with members of the U.N. Security Council prior to the vote on the Iraq war.

HOI: First of all, Senator Kerry, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I'm especially grateful, considering the fact that you?re giving this interview during dinner.

Kerry: You're very welcome, Steve. I'm a regular guy, and I'm sitting here in my goose camouflage and spandex bike shorts, having regular guy food, while George Bush is probably out somewhere eating another baby for Halliburton.

HOI: Where are you dining tonight?

Kerry: Wendy's, of course. I can't get enough of this simple, middle-American-demographic, bourgeois fare. [muffled] Damn it, Pierre, this is TAP water!

HOI: I'm sorry, Senator, but I couldn't hear that last remark.

Kerry: I was complimenting the manager on this delicious McWhopper.

HOI: Senator, you are no doubt aware that The Washington Times has published a story today, asserting that you lied during the second debate when you claimed you met with all the members of the U.N. Security Council prior to Congress's vote authorizing the President to use force in Iraq.

Kerry: [muffled] No, Teresa. Don't take the cork off the fork.

HOI: Senator, did you hear me?

Kerry: Yes I did, Steve.

HOI: How do you respond to the claims in the story?

Kerry: I met with representatives of each country on the Council, just as I said. let me give you examples. [muffled] John, do you REALLY think Liz needs a third helping of bananas Foster? John, that?s a SERVING dish. What about the rest of us?

HOI: Senator?

Kerry: Here's one example for you, Steve. One week before the vote, I barged in on my lovely wife Teresa while she was having Bondo applied to the dimples above her knees. And I had a long, frank discussion with the spa attendant who was helping her. He happens to be a Mexican-Undocumented-American. As the highest-ranking Mexican official on my family?s entire private island, Lario put down his trowel and informed me that in his opinion, invading another country was tacky, and that it was sure to lead to a state of national malaise likely to leave many working Americans with stubborn frown lines.

HOI: Sounds like he?s quite concerned.

Kerry: You bet he is. Concerned enough to vote for me by absentee ballot. Not just once, but numerous times. In several states. His family is so upset, even the dead ones are voting for me.

HOI: How about Bulgaria? They claim they never heard from you.

Kerry: Just another of what I call Bush?s ?misleadificationments.? The very day of the vote, I was in my townhouse in Georgetown, berating one of my valets for serving Bearnaise sauce at the wrong temperature, when he suddenly blurted out that he thought invading Iraq was a horrible idea.

HOI: Bulgarian?

Kerry: I?m fairly sure. He speaks some language not even Teresa can understand, and his first name has about seven consonants in a row.

HOI: Is that all? Mexico and Bulgaria?

Kerry: No, that?s not all, Steve. I could give you many more examples, if I had any idea who was ON the Council at that time.

HOI: Senator, I must be candid. It sounds like you?re lying your ass off.

Kerry: I lied my ass off about Iraq. Bush nearly got his ass shot off in Iraq. Which is worse?

HOI: Perhaps you can understand why many people feel have concerns about your sincerity.

Kerry: I told the truth about the Security Council before I lied about it.

HOI: Is that all you have to say?

Kerry: Hold on. John Edwards wants to talk to you.

Waiter: [in background] Madame Edwards, I am sorry. Zat is ze largest spoon we could find.

Edwards: Steve?

HOI: Yes, former Senator Edwards?

Waiter: Madame! Please! Bananas Foster is NOT a beverage!

Edwards: Steve, I have to tell you right now--I didn't plan to talk about this--right now I feel the Security Council?I feel its presence. The Security Council is inside me?

HOI: Are you sure that isn?t Bob Shrum?s hand?

Edwards: ?and they?re talking to you...And this is what they say to you. They say, "We don't ask for your silly American troops, riding around in Humvees and making pyramids of naked Iraqis. What we ask for is that you vote for the guys who wind-surf and heal quadriplegics. And we don't ask for your sympathy, but we do ask that you track down frail conservative women and throw pies at them.?

Kerry: [in background] God DAMN it. I spilled beurre noir on my Brioni bunny suit!

HOI: Is there anything else you want to say, Mr. Edwards?

Edwards: No, even though Mary Cheney is a lesbian.

Will the Security Council lie be the story that sinks the Kerry campaign? HOI suspects not. He should be able to maintain support among his party members if he can continue to do what he has done so far. Which is to be someone other than George Bush.

[phuloi]

LMAO! Very witty stuff.