Irish Humor
 

Some jokes for any Irishmen on the site. Enjoy

Raggedy Ann


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic pointed at the curb and crosswalk and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass again. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the fifth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.



And this is my favorite.......

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."




:i: :i: :i:

Those were some humorous jokes & I loved the phone call the best :D

:)

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he?d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he?s walking with a limp.

?What happened to you?? asks Sean, the bartender.

?Jamie O?Conner and me had a fight,? says Paddy.

?That little sod, O?Conner!? says Sean, ?He couldn?t do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.?

?That he did,? says Paddy, ?A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin? he gave me with it.?

?Well,? says Sean, ?You should have defended yourself. Didn?t you have something in your hand??

?That I did,? said Paddy. ?Mrs. O?Conner?s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.?

Tis a fine gaggle of jokes you posted missy!

Got a Cajun joke you can tell your grandkids:

Old man Boudreaux was driving down Highway 1 in Louisiana going see his grandkids on Easter Sunday morning singing Jolie Blanc (pretty blonde) to himself when all of a sudden, a big white rabbit with a sack slung over his shoulder came hopping across the highway in front of Boudreaux's pick em up truck. Boudreaux laid that big rabbit out colder than a cucumber. He got out of his truck and said "mon, what am I going to do ? If that the Easter Bunny, all the kids in the bayou will be mad as hell at me and they'll never will forgive me".
Lil while later, Boudreaux's old drinking buddy LaBlanc was coming down Highway 1 and Boudreaux flagged him down. Boudreaux said "LaBlanc, I believe I hit the Easter Bunny with my pick em up. If that big bunny is hurt, none of the kids in the bayou will forgive me". LaBlanc said "calm down nag, let me take a look. LaBlanc went to his pick em up and came back with a big can of hair spray. He walked over to that big bunny and commence spraying hair spray up his nose. LaBlanc said "okay Boudreaux, let stand back and watch if anything will happen".
Lil while later, that big bunny's legs began jumping and quivering, then all of a sudden, that big bunny jumped up, threw his sack over his shoulder, waved at LaBlanc and Boudreaux and began hopping down the highway, he turn facing Boudreaux and LaBlanc, waved again, turn around began hopping down the highway, waved again, turn began hopping again until they couldn't see that bunny anymore.
Boudreaux said "mae LaBlanc, what was that in that can you spray in that bunny's nose"? LaBlanc said "hair spray.......says right on the can....bring hare back to life and works great on permanent waves".

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the wife keeps staring at an drunken guy swigging his gin as he sits alone at a nearby table, until the man asks,

"Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-husband. He took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the man, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"